All Those Selfish Worries
Oof, I haven’t written in a couple of months! But I do have an excuse. My husband and I are expecting our first baby in March, and as we crest the halfway point in the pregnancy, I keep finding things that take up a lot of thinking and researching time: day care, pediatricians, which cribs are actually safe…
But while I stress over all these things that are technically for future baby girl, I’m also stressing over things that are a little more selfish. Namely, the things that I’m going to lose, or that I’m worried I’ll lose. Most of these are just me overly panicking, because I have to think about something when heartburn keeps me up at night, but they’re there, all the same.
Writing. I like to write. Obviously. I want to sell a book. But when a baby is waking up up every three hours, and I need to make sure she’s fed and clean and happy, how am I supposed to find the energy and time to do this? I know how, obviously: it’s not like my husband’s a lazy sack of garbage, he’s a great person who really wants to be a dad and knows how important writing is to me, my life, my mental state. He can be in charge for 20 minutes so I can scribble in a notebook or revise a chapter. So really, I’m just concerned I’ll get in my own way, that I’ll feel guilty or something for separating myself to do this thing which, at my lowest point, I worry is just a hobby that will never amount to anything. (But even if that’s the case, people need hobbies to stay sane, right?)
Reading. This is a joke, I know. I can’t not read. And even if I don’t have time to read the next Brandon Sanderson chihuahua-killer, I’m going to be reading books to this kid constantly, from picture books to The Hobbit. And if I don’t have time for my own personal reading, well, that’s what audiobooks are for.
Video Games. Let’s be real. I haven’t played many video games for a few years. It’s the big thing I gave up when I started at Lesley for my MFA, to make time for all the writing, and aside from a few things (Pokemon Go, and I’ve gotten into Overwatch lately) I haven’t done too much. But I feel like even that’s going clean out the window.
Movies/TV. The new Guardians of the Galaxy movie comes out when future baby girl will be around 2 months old, and Game of Thrones will be back next summer. Will I be able to watch these things when they come out? Eh… not likely. At least Steven Universe only takes up 8 minutes of life at a time, and new Rick and Morty will air before she’s even born.
Friends. I’m not going to lose friends, per say. But seeing them will involve leaving future baby girl behind, and there won’t be any “Oh, I’ll just stay over, whatever,” because instead I’ll be thinking “This was fun, but oh geez I want to get back to my child.” Or, I won’t be going alone: I’ll have a little buddy in a kangaroo pouch. (Maybe I can just make them come see me more, so I don’t have to leave the house. Yes, yes, that sounds like the best solution.)
So, here are some of the selfish things I stress about, on top of worrying whether or not this day care is really a death trap in disguise. Any overblown concerns that I’m missing?